Former Doily Allergen Member Receives Huge Journalism Achievement: Killed By CIA

Here at the Doily Allergen, it’s not out of the ordinary for our members to go on to do great things. With the help of our prestigious writing guidance and notorious reputation of being the best news source in Iowa City, our writers have gone on to become astronauts, presidents, erotic fanfiction writers, and most recently, successful journalists.

Former Doily Allergen staff member Jack Mehoff was investigating Herky the Hawk under the premise that he had dodged the draft. What a disgrace it would be for Herky to have gone on to have such a successful mascot career when he should have died on a beach in Normandy like a man. Mehoff had just about everything he needed to take the son of a bitch down. That’s when the CIA stepped in.

Legally, Jack Mehoff’s death was reported as a suicide. However, the autopsy reports show that he was severely beaten with a blunt object, had over 20 gunshot wounds to the abdomen and face, and was found dead in a dumpster. He also had a message inscribed on his forehead that read “GET SHIT ON -THE CIA.” The CIA has since denied any involvement and offered their condolences to Jack and his family.

Jack always said, “It is every journalist’s dream to be so good at their job that they die under mysterious circumstances just as they are about to crack the case of a lifetime.”

Mehoff did exactly that. May he rest in peace and be the shining example for all young and aspiring journalists. The Doily Allergen could not be more proud of Mehoff for this massive achievement.