Football Season Under Criticism From Artsy Kids Who Just Want To Go To Gabe’s

From the legendary matchup and comeback win against Penn State, to the distressing loss against Purdue, the epic highs and lows of Iowa’s football season have captivated Iowa City this fall. But not everyone has been gripped by Hawkeye spirit, not least of which is the demographic of artsy kids who just want to go to Gabe’s.

“My friends and I love Gabe’s most nights of the week,” said freshman Emery Bernard “E.B.” Thurman. “But come the weekend, you’re packed in there with these imbeciles in their black and gold gear… ugh, it’s like these people don’t even know they’re buying into the capitalist machine that’s ruining the American education system and has corrupted the true competitive appeal of sports. I actually made a short film about this very premise…”

Our reporters pressed Thurman on whether buying drinks at a bar is equally complicit in said “capitalist machine,” to which he responded with a rant that we have neither the space nor energy to transcribe.

Thurman and his friends agreed that the football season has an adverse effect on the atmosphere at the dive bar. When asked what exactly that atmosphere should be, most of them said, “you wouldn’t get it.”

“Look, Gabe’s is a really special place,” said Thurman. “You get to see real musicians play. Before the malevolent titans of corporate music entertainment repackage them into the so-called Indie genre on Spotify. During the season, Gabe’s caters to everyone by having bands like “Hummingbird Horizon” play, like they’re some kind of mainstream shill. It’s enough to make you want to just go live out in the woods, you know?”

Thurman also explained that once the football season ends, he is excited to start complaining about Gabe’s for other reasons, namely their bathroom and the band that’s playing being awful because he’s never heard of them before.