Five Valentine’s Day Ideas That In Retrospect Didn’t Work As Well As I’d Hoped

Valentine’s Day is one of the most consistently dated holidays ever. It’s a time of love, laughter, and this year, learning. Today, I’ll be teaching you five things I learned that definitely don’t set the mood right.

1. Hiding Inside the Giant Teddy Bear

Anyone’s sweetheart would be thrilled to find a five-foot stuffed bear wrapped in a bow, but it turns out that excitement doesn’t translate when you scare them by lunging out at them from within the teddy bear (and they might be upset you ripped most of the stuffing out). Oh well, at least you can try again come April Fool’s!

2. A Romantic Display of Knives (From My Multi Tier Marketing Company)

A fruit basket is so passe. It tells your lover that you’re an uninspired little fussbudget. To express your love, you must be unique. Although, spending fifteen hours arranging these knives (you can buy the set for only $59.99 if you tell ten FaceBook friends about it) might turn out to be a waste of time for you, too.

3. Getting Them A Kitten

Besides it apparently being “horribly irresponsible” of you, it can really send the wrong message if you forgot your dearest one is horribly allergic to cats. Plus, things got painful when our clothes came off. If anyone wants a free kitten, let me know.

4. Inviting My Good Buddy David Over For A Little Bit

Now this one I don’t get. David’s a great guy, and it’s not his fault he’s single. Why shouldn’t he share in the love? Sorry, Dave, maybe next year.

5. Tying Yourself To The Bed Without Unlocking The Door.

I’ll be honest, I was really banking on her coming back after storming off. She has the only other key. It’s been five days. If you’re reading this please help. Please.