Five American Colonists Shot Dead in Boston

Our Herky Counted Among the Fallen

Most troubling news arrived by pigeon flight this morning.

We regret to inform the Iowa Territory that five of our compatriots were murdered in cold blood by those conniving tea drinkers. Among the carrion was our beloved Herky “The Hawk” Hawkson, whose name and aura is known to all as a beacon of friendship and peace. The mushy pea eaters, the antithesis of peace and love, have murdered him in jealousy of his soul (they don’t have one).

We at the DA, the only news organization of the Iowa Territory, were unable to get firsthand accounts of the slaughter. The dreaded stench of jellied eels blinded our poor souls like the inhabitable smog of England—making eyewitness accounts impossible. As the jellied smog cleared, only corpses remained. The crimes committed by these beans-on-toast-eating lunatics needs to be rectified a thousand-fold.

When asked about the insisting spark of the massacre, survivors say that Herky was caught arguing with a Yorkshire pudding consumer. The slop eater incorrectly called our hearty American dish of fries “chips”. When corrected by our noble Herky, the Kingsucker fell to his primal English instincts and a roar of bullets followed.

Governor Barbara Wilson has started the process of total mobilization. Not one crumpet eater shall step on our sacred lands. Our beloved bird shall be our battle cry.