Entire Doily Allergen Staff Goes to Mike Pence Rally Dressed as Flies; Denied Chance to Caress His H

In an attempt to actually do some real journalism, every Doily Allergen writer on staff attended the Mike Pence lecture at the IMU on November 1st, all dressed in $15 fly costumes purchased from Amazon.

Walking in, all 51 of us got some strange looks, and that’s fair, because we definitely looked strange. So many people, at a conservative event, all in masks? Unheard of.

We waited in a surprisingly long line, and talked to some freshmen who told us they had to look up where the IMU was to get to this event. At the front of the line was a table with free buttons and stickers, and we each took five. What can we say, we like stickers.

Finally, we were in the main lounge, which was full of chairs, half of which would become occupied. We sat in our seats, and waited an hour and a half before someone came to the stage.

Young Americans for Freedom hosted the event, and as such, their president got to introduce Pence. Said president, Hunter Exuntor, looked like Elijah Wood, if Elijah Wood were ten years younger, and gave us Pence’s entire life story while I read 156 pages of my geography textbook.

After finishing, he directed our attention to a screen, where we watched a short video. The jist was that Biden is ineffective, weak, undoing every good thing Trump had done, part of the deep state responsible for coffee shops closing before most students are done studying, and Pence is strong and calm, talking on a knock-off TedX stage.

Then it was time for the main event, big daddy Pence. I took notes on his whole speech- the most notes I’ve taken all semester- and here’s what happened.

• Pence starts out by simping for Ronald Reagan.

• Pence tells us his entire life story, including that he has three kids in “your generation”. He has a granddaughter, who dressed as an avocado for Halloween; this gets the most applause of the night.

• Pence calls Trump “one of a kind”. Based on tone, I can’t tell if this was a compliment or an insult.

• Pence simps for the military. Calls it the greatest force for good the world has ever known (modern medicine, who?).

• Pence simps for Trump and himself. Goes over all of their “accomplishments”. I don’t recall enough to fact check any of it.

• At this point, some guy in the audience starts yelling. I couldn’t hear what he was yelling about, just “you’re lying to us!” He is peacefully escorted out by a 5’2” woman, still yelling. The crowd starts counter-yelling “USA! USA!”

• Pence complains about Biden ruining everything again.

• Pence tells a singular joke. Jury still out on if it’s funny or not.

• Pence complains about cancel culture. A lot. He is very upset about the replacement of “patriotic education” (which he calls “essential for the survival of liberty”) with Critical Race Theory. I’m not sure what either of these things actually are.

• Pence tries to recruit us into the military.

• Pence recites a Bible verse about raising children.

• Pence simps for the Constitution.

• At this point, one of the Doily Allergen staff gets unexpectedly sick and needs to leave the room. My theory is that Pence cursed her.

• Pence tries to recruit us into Christianity.

• Pence gives a weirdly inspiring closing remark, telling the audience that he believes in us. He continues on for a long while so-

• Pence simps for the audience.

The whole time he is talking, he keeps using the terms “man or woman” or “men and women”, as if he’s allergic to respecting the identities of non-binary people, or just allergic to the words “person” and “people” in general.

Then it is time for questions wherein a few more things happen.

• Pence tells a man that he (Pence) could go to the library with him (asker) and show him some alternative facts.

• Pence says he’ll send a female eagle scout a flag. I’m surprised he isn’t against female eagle scouts.

• Someone asked Pence who told him to turn on Trump pre-January 6th. Pence replies, “James Madison”

Then it was time to leave. Thank god. We did actually stay after, to see if we could get a picture, but Pence zoomed out of there so fast, you would think he actually had something useful to do.