Due to Iowa’s ADHD Medication Shortage, I’ll Be Boycotting Paying Attention

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that kids these days are mentally unwell. Whether you want to blame Covid, TikTok, or SpongeBob reruns for this unnatural alteration of Gen-Z brain cells, the fact of the matter is that these bitches are built different. One time, I showed a fifteen-year old a picture of George Washington and asked them who he was, only to be told that he was “the Rizzler.”

The worst thing to come from the new generations is, by far, the widespread acceptance and understanding of neurodivergent individuals. Back in the good ol’ days, if a kid was visibly struggling with paying attention in class or really liked trains, we’d just call them a freak and shove them into a locker like God intended. Now, though, we’re expected to support kids as they receive diagnoses and help them function in the way they’d like to in a judgment-free environment. I mean, who do they think we are, hippies? Hell, just the other day, a student counseling rep told me I should go to a doctor and figure out what’s happening in my brain. I mean, what a delusional suggestion! In unrelated news, I now have to take Adderall.

So, get this: I go up to the pasty, white pharmacist boy at CVS and, shamefully, ask him to give me the pills that’ll supposedly make my brain work better. You know what that bastard did next? He said they didn’t have any! In a calm, nonviolent manner, I asked if the pharmacy had Vyvanse or Concerta instead, to which he responded that they didn’t have them either! So, like any reasonable person would, I threatened to slam his head in a doorframe Kill Bill-style unless he gave me my drugs. Tearfully, he insisted that they really didn’t have any, so I stormed out of the store.

My search for medication continued with the pharmacies at Walgreens, Hy-Vee, Wal-Mart, Costco, and even some online pharmacies, but none of the outlets had any ADHD medications in stock. I did some research into this topic––limited research, admittedly, my attention span can only take so much––and found out that Iowa has been engulfed in a widespread shortage of ADHD meds since November of last year. Other states seem to be having this issue as well, but none to this extent.

One of the primary reasons given for this shortage is the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s policy that limits how many personality-altering pills and other medical substances that can be developed and sold at a given time. My first instinct, upon hearing this, was to blame today’s kids for all being inflicted by the same brain disease that I do and taking the pills that I so rightly deserve. Upon further inspection, however, it seems like the real culprits of the problem could, quite possibly, be the government. I know, crazy, right?!

To show my opposition to the government’s handling of this issue, I’ve made the brave decision to display the lengths of the government’s negligence. That’s right, until ADHD medications are properly stocked in pharmacies once again, I’ll be abstaining from paying attention to anything. The rest of this article will be dedicated to my findings.

Day 1:

Man, not paying attention to anything is great! While I was getting dressed this morning, I put my legs through the wrong pant legs, and I didn’t notice until after lunch. I didn’t bother taking notes during class, and instead of listening to the professor’s lecture, I stared wistfully out the window and played a fifty-minute loop of Caramelldansen in my head. The only reason I’m even writing this right now is because I don’t have to worry about focusing on my homework. This is amazing!  I can foresee no negative consequences!

Day 3:

I put on a movie and thought about a different movie the entire time. I fed my dog, but I’m not sure what it was. I drove my car into a ditch. There’s a mildewy patch on my doormat.

Day 8:

I don’t remember if I’ve had an actual meal in the past couple days. I might have had chips. There’s probably some other food in

Day 14:

Computer screen

Day 24:

Bef

Day 31? 36? 60?:

Where am I

Day 80:

haha you know how i said that id’ do this to show the government and then they’d give my my drugs? ok so funny story! they haven’t done that yet! So like i’ve just been aout here scavenging and such and surprisirngly there’s not a lot of drugs on the streets of iowa city??!? i went up to a summits bounder and asked him if he had any adderrall and he told me to go to an alley and instead of getting drugs a rat shanked me”” not like a dude that looked like a rat or a guy in a rat suit no it was like the movie rattaatoille starring comedian patton oswalt 2007 oscar winner where a rat pulls a ginger’s hair to make  food.except in the this case the rat really wanted my socks so now my feet are cold, i’b bleeding, and i still can’t watch tv without checking my phone. tou can’t have shit in detroit.

(Totally unrelated note: If you know where to find and acquire Adderall and/or Vyvanse, either by legal means or not, please contact me us at thedoilyallergen@gmail.com. CVS is still being a little bitch.)