Don’t Worry! The Suspicious Packages at Burge are Just My Extra Large Buttplugs

Hey, guys… I have something unfortunate to admit. You know those suspicious packages that were found at Burge a little while ago? The ones that caused the building to be evacuated for an hour? People were forced out of lunch at the dining hall, naps in their rooms, showers in the bathrooms, and blow jobs in the north and south laundry rooms. That was awful and kinda scary, right? Well, I hate to say it, but that was all my fault.

Technically, it was the fault of Spencer’s Gifts. See, I’m what we in the business like to call a “freaky little bitch,” so I often frequent the store to find devices that will satisfy my needs. It’s gotten to the point where, if I walk into the store, the staff will all greet me with strained smiles and gritted teeth because they know I’m going to make the most deranged purchases possible.

If I drop down a two-foot dildo and a bottle of hot sauce at the register’s counter, they barely look phased anymore, just tired and depressed. Last year, I started asking a cashier what lube would be the best to help me stick a trombone up my ass, and they immediately walked out of the store and were later seen on the local news. The answer was Strawberry Striptease, by the way.

Anyway, long story short, one time I asked one of the workers if they could unlock the changing room so I could test out a couple of their products, and this turned out to be the breaking point for them, because I was promptly banned from setting foot in the establishment ever again.