Doily Allergen Awarded National Medal of the Arts

Hear that Daily Iowan? Time to throw in the towel for good because we’re better and the President said so.

We’ve been waiting for ages to share this news with you all. We found out back in early 2022 about the ceremony, which had been conveniently scheduled during the University of Iowa’s Spring Break, so all could attend. POTUS (that’s slang for the president) is thoughtful like that.

On the morning of March 13th, we piled into a government-issued limo which drove us all the way to Washington D.C. On the way, we made a few pit stops to pick up Bruce Springsteen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Gladys Knight who all were thrilled to see the Doily Allergen staff sitting before them eating Extra Cheddar Cheetos.

They questioned us about what it’s like to be so groundbreaking in our field, but we were too humble to answer, so we all sat in silence the entire ride.

They wouldn’t stop asking about how we gained such a following on Instagram. They couldn’t possibly wrap their head around a thousand whole people. I could hardly believe the numbers myself, but that’s what happens when you win a National Medal of the Arts.

Once we arrived at the White House, we were greeted with Kamala Harris’ contagious laughter and POTUS’ winning smile as they walked us to the ceremony. POTUS actually body slammed Bruce Springsteen out of the way in order to talk with us. He wouldn’t stop pitching articles to us. He was all giddy to pitch this one in particular: “Kamala Harris’ Husband Kissed my Wife.” It’s a little wordy, but the concept is alright. I respect the man for trying.

He placed the medal upon our shoulders as we all sang “Where Are You, Christmas?” from Academy Award snub The Grinch starring Cindy Loo Who and Jim Carrey. Many tears were shed—not a dry eye in the crowd.

Once we said farewell to POTUS, he was taking it much harder than us. We turned behind us as we walked off and he was wiping his eyes with his tie. I think he was waiting for us to award him something in return, but we did not. We took that silent drive home once more and arrived back on campus with a newfound confidence in ourselves.