Does Barb Wilson Have a “Fuck Ass Bob”?

Dora the Explorer. Lord Farquaad. Edna Mode. Azealia Banks. What do all these legends have in common? What puts them at the forefront of the public eye? The answer is simple: a Fuck Ass Bob.

It signifies strength, culture, fuckassery, and the fact that you might need a new barber if done poorly. Is University of Iowa’s own Barbara Wilson fit to join their ranks? Or is Babs’s FAB simply a RAB? Fear not, for The Doily’s Resident Hairologist is here and ready to report.

My qualifications to answer this polarizing question are quite simple: I have had hair on my person since infancy (as mammals often do) and have also possessed a myriad of hair-dos and hairdon’ts upon my very own noggin. Thus, out of all the Doily Allergen staff, I am the obvious choice for writing this piece. I’m very secure in my Hairology expertise. So secure, in fact, that I am willing to write it down several times so you can please, pretty please believe me.

The contentious topic here is what qualifies as a Fuck Ass Bob, and what distinguishes it from a Regular Ass Bob? Scholars are divided as to whether a Fuck Ass Bob can have bangs. On the one hand, many people with a banged bob don’t convey the fuckassery that non-bangers possess. Kat Hernandez, the infamous character from HBO’s Euphoria, was canonically portrayed as a FAB-haver, leaving many people picturing the cultural icon (that is, the FAB) as being bangless.

However, to state that a bob with bangs is unable to be a FAB is horrifically reductionist and ignores our foremothers — the ones who elevated the Fuck Ass Bob to the cultural zeitgeist it was truly meant to be. To not acknowledge the FABs that banged (like those of the Beatles or Velma Dinkley) is to partake in horrific historical revisionism. Not cool, dudes.

Bang debate aside, the Fuck Ass Bob has three distinguishing qualities: center-parted, hovering at chin length (or higher), and the ability to turn the Cringe-to-Camp Scale of Style (CCSS) SQUARELY on its head. We Hairologists know this for certain. Barbara’s beautiful bob possesses two of the three, being at around chin length and rendering the CCSS irrelevant in its wake. Unfortunately, Barb’s bob misses the first condition. Extensive research shows that her ‘do is parted just a taaaaaad bit off-center, creating an impactful, but not fuckass, asymmetric style.

In a blow to FAB fans everywhere, Barbara Wilson is not in possession of a Fuck Ass Bob. Her bob, while not unpleasant, is as Regular Ass as they come. We are expecting her letter of resignation by morning for this travesty.