Dear The Onion: Get Your Own Ideas

Dear The Onion,

Isn’t this weird? Usually we’re the ones receiving questions in Dear Doily, but since you don’t have any sort of cool submission system like we do, we just have to publish this and hope that you’ll see it. But we have a feeling you’ll see it, won’t you?

Now, we’ll be the first to admit that we are only reporting true, factual news here at the Doily Allergen, but when you report on very similar facts on your silly green-and-white themed website right after we do, we can’t help but raise some eyebrows. We would absolutely never steal ideas from other newspapers – that’s against University of Iowa policies and Barb Wilson would smite us if we did. But can you say the same?

First, it was Caitlin Clark. We announced Caitlin’s exciting offer to star in Space Jam 3 (which is still in pre-production) on February 28th, 2024. So imagine our surprise when you announced her new interest in theatre and performance on March 4th! That’s less than a week apart, Onion. Did you think we wouldn’t notice?

But it’s fine, Caitlin Clark is a hot topic, and we had the insider information while she was on campus, so we let it slide. 

Then, during Hate Week this year, we started seeing circulation of an article you wrote in March 2019 about Iowa State’s 140% acceptance rate. Hating ISU is our job! We even have a student spotlight with the guy with “fuck state” in his dorm window in sticky notes, but now we’re worried that if we finally start to fight with our predestined mortal enemies, we’ll be seen as copying you. We’re just a small little newspaper.We are not big and strong and tough like you are, and we can’t protect ourselves from the internet trolls. Why would you do this to us, Onion?

We were starting to get a little ticked, but the point of no return had to be the double raptures. Our sorrowful report on Sign Guy’s dramatic disappearance on October 9th, 2024, is one of our best performing articles of all time, which is a testament to Sign Guy’s strength in the Lord and in our memories. So imagine our surprise when on January 29th, 2025, you report about how every Chick-Fil-A establishment was raptured! We can handle being copied, but disrespecting the power of Sign Guy? Unacceptable. This means war.

Mark our words, Onion. Start coming up with your own ideas, or we will be sending Herky into your nightmares. We will be reporting you to Barb Wilson. We might even leave an anonymous tip to YAF about some of the things you say about their beloved alt-right pookies. You don’t want to fight with YAF, Onion. You aren’t strong enough for them.

Xoxo, Your Absolute Biggest Fans (but now mortal enemies!!),

The Doily Allergen