Dear Doily: What Classes Should I Take?

Dear Doily,

I’m scheduled to register for my fall courses soon, but I have no idea what courses to take! I’m an open major in my second year, and I have no clue what to do! Please help!

-Confused in College Green

Hi Confused,

Here’s the deal. It doesn’t matter what classes you take, or even what your major is, so long as you get that degree! Honestly, all your future employers are really going to care about is the existence of that piece of paper with some fancy words on it! So, decide what words you’ll want framed on your wall and go for it!

Honestly, the idea that you learn at college is outdated. Nowadays, college is mostly a way to learn how good you are at bullshitting, to prep you for the decades of bullshit ahead of you. If you think “Foundations of the Business Major” is any different than a three-thousand-level course about the rise and fall of Led Zeppelin, you’re a moron. You’ll learn how to Google, how to compile the results of your Googling, and how to make it seem like you did more than that.

What the hell are we in college for anyway? We hemorrhage ourselves for tens of thousands of dollars every goddamn year, just to learn how to beg rich bastards for a living wage from age twenty five to eternity. Honestly, Confused in College Green, you’d be better off dropping out right now. Run to Montana, and stumble into the love of your life at a run-down truck stop. Elope within the weekend, and live out the rest of your life raising rescued horses. You’d have more fun that way.

So fuck it, ask a Magic 8 Ball! Create a massive spinning wheel with different majors written on it, and chuck an axe at it! Nothing matters, and that’s more important than anything this University could teach you.

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