Dear Doily: The Moon Is Oysters

I thought the world was supposed to be my oyster. But dear God, was I wrong.

Dear Doily,

I humbly submit the following complaint in the hopes that your people will be able to amend this critical error in the cosmic realm: the moon is oysters.

That’s right, last night when I looked up at the dark and starry sky, I saw that an incredible change had affected our most beloved stewardess of the tides — the moon, it seems, is now made entirely of oysters. This is a tragedy beyond belief, and we cannot let it continue. We, the citizens of the world, must take action!

I have already made calls to President Joe Biden, King Charles III, and whoever the Secretary-General of the United Nations is. I then reached out to the New York Times, Clickhole, and the Harvard Business Review. All have refused to listen. All have turned me away.

Now you, the staff, allies, and even enemies of the Doily Allergen, are the only ones who can save this. I am trusting you with not only my life, but the future of all things holy upon this planet. Please, doilies and allergens alike, I beg of ye: revert the moon back to its natural state and prevent the eternal continuation of this bivalvification!

With many pleas,

One Who Has Previewed The Terrors That Await

Dear One Who Has Previewed The Terrors That Await,

girl, whatever 🙄

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen