Dear Doily: My Dick Uses She/Her Pronouns

Dear Doily,

I am a proud haver of erectile dysfunction.

Yeah. I’m not ashamed. I tell people all the time. The first thing they always ask is if it affects my sex life. I tell them it doesn’t. You know why? I’M A HOMOSEXUAL!!

Let me learn you up on something about gay sex: You see, son, in this world, there are tops and there are bottoms. “What does that mean?” you cutely ask. I humbly chuckle. Well, bottoms are the ones who are known as the… uh… como se dice… the wide receivers. Whereas tops are more like the pitchers.

I am a proud bottom. You know what that means? I DON’T EVEN USE MY DICK! How can I be ashamed of my erectile dysfunction while I’m getting buttfucked by another Grindr hookup? It’s like it’s not even there!

It is for that reason that I refer to my penis as a she/her.

So, the secret is out. Do what you will with this information. Blackmail me! Use it as ransom! Shove Viagra down my throat! I don’t care! Just take me as I am!

I hope this is the kind of news you’re looking to report on.

With sensual regards, I am,

JD Vance (he/him)

Dear JD Vance (he/him),

What the fuck.

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen (we/us)