Dear Doily: I Wrote You But You Still Ain’t Calling

Dear Doily,

I wrote you but you still ain't calling.

I left my Instagram, my email, and my birth certificate as an attachment.

I sent two Dear Doilys back in autumn, you must not've got 'em,

There probably was a problem with the Google Form or something.

Sometimes I scribble Dear Doilys too unfunny when I jot 'em,

But anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man, how's the paper?

I just applied to join you guys, I’m ‘bout to be a writer.

If I was a journalist, guess what I would write about?

Cum.

I read about your former members, too, I'm sorry.

I had a former member delete my website over some editor who didn’t like their shit.

I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan,

I even read the underground shit that you did on Month Week.

I got a room full of your articles and your Hawk Alerts, man.

I like the shit you did with FNAF, too, that shit was phat.

Anyways, I hope you get this, hit me back,

Just to work for you, truly yours, your biggest fan,

This is Dan.

Dear Doily,

You still ain't wrote or posted, I hope you have a chance,

I ain't mad! — I just think it's fucked up you can’t post daily.

If you didn't wanna post my Dear Doily submission,

You didn’t have to, but you could’ve accepted the application from Matthew

He’s a Daily Iowan writer, he's only eighteen years old.

He waited for you to make a call for applications,

For a whole semester and you just said nothing.

That's pretty shitty — you're like his fucking idol,

He wants to be a writer just like y’all, he likes you more than I do!

I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to.

Remember when we met at the Engagement Faire? — you said if I’d apply to join you,

You would accept me — see I'm just like you in a way,

I never knew how to be funny either;

I used to always plagiarize jokes from the Onion like I wasn’t a daily reader.

I can relate to what you're saying in your articles,

So when SNL isn’t funny one week, I drift away and check my Instagram,

'Cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm bored.

I even got an off-center tattoo of your logo across the chest.

Sometimes I even read the Daily Iowan to see how much I seethe,

It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me.

See, everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it.

The Daily Iowan’s jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7.

But they don't know you like I know you, Doily, no one does.

They don't know what it was like for people like us learning to write.

You gotta accept me man, I'll be the funniest writer you'll ever lose.

Sincerely yours, Dan.

P.S.

We should make films together, too.

Dear Mister I'm-Too-Good-To-Accept-Or-Respond-To-My-Fans,

This'll be the last Dear Doily I ever send your ass!

It's been two years and still no word — I don't deserve it?

I know you got my last two Dear Doilys;

I wrote the articles perfect!

So this is my thirst post I'm sending you, I hope you see it.

I'm on the Cambus right now, I'm doing 25 on Dubuque.

Hey Doily, I drank a fifth of Dining Hall chocolate milk, you dare me to drive?

You know the song by Eminem, “Stan”?

About that rapper who could've saved that fan from drowning,

But didn't, then SNL did a parody of it and it was only a little funny?

That's kinda how this is, you could've rescued me from drowning.

Now it's too late. I'm on the Daily Iowan front page now, I'm drowsy,

And all I wanted was a lousy feature or an email.

I hope you know I ripped all of your articles off the wall!

I loved you, Doily, we could've cooked shit up together, think about it!

You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it,

And when you come up with bad idea I hope you can't think and you skip meetings over it!

I hope your dumbass readers eat at you and you can't get likes without me!

See, Doily—shut up, Daily! I'm trying to talk!

Hey, Doily, that's the Daily Iowan screaming in the back,

But I didn't slit their throat, I just tied ‘em up. See, I ain't like you,

'Cause if they suffocate they’ll suffer more, and then they’ll write a shitty article about it, too.

Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge next to Mayflower now,

Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

Dear Dan,

We meant to write you sooner, but we’ve been canceling our meetings.

You said you write shitty articles, how much time have you wasted?

Look, we’re really flattered you would write about cum,

And here's an autograph for Matthew,

We wrote it on a Daily Iowan newspaper.

We’re sorry we didn't see your application, we never check our email.

Don't think we did that shit intentionally just to diss you,

But what's this shit you said about you like to read the Daily Iowan, too?

We say that shit just clowning, dawg,

C'mon! How fucked up is you?

You got some issues, Dan, we think you need some counseling

To help your ass from enjoying the Daily Iowan when you get down some

And what's this shit about us meant to make films together?

That type of shit'll make us not want to commit to what we say we’ll do.

We really think you and the Daily Iowan need each other,

Or maybe you just need to throw that shit in the trash and treat yourself better.

We hope you get to read this response, we just hope it reaches you in time

Before you become an editor for the Daily Iowan, we think that you'll be doing just fine

If you relax a little, we’re glad we inspire you but, Dan

Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that we do want you as a fan

We just don't want you to do some cringe shit.

We seen this one shit on a Daily Iowan headline a couple weeks ago that made us sick:

Some dude was on the Cambus and he was writing a Dear Doily,

And had the Daily Iowan in the trunk, and they were about to actually hire him,

And in the bus they found a poem, but they didn't say who it was to.

Come to think about it, his name was... it was you.

Damn, Daniel!