Dear Doily: Beware My Cursed Amulet

Dear Doily, 

MUAHAHAHAHA! Hear ye, hear ye, all who shall listen to my tale! From the depths of the Iowa River, a new magical talisman has arrived! From the murky, toxic waters it sprang forth and coiled itself around my neck–I looked down at my new possession and found an amulet like no other! 

Set within onyx stone, a green orb glowed and swirled in the eerie mist, and I, once a mere student such as yourselves, was transformed into the most powerful wizard of all time! My body writhed and stretched, and I can’t exactly take this hat or cloak off anymore, but it’s FOREBODING! If you dare cross my path on a dark October night, beware the sensual pull of my beautifully cursed amulet, unless you wish to be shifted into a frog or a ferret or something…

ANYWAY! My amulet shows no mercy, and a foul spell is sure to befall on those who make themselves my enemy… Do not disturb me, Doily Allergen, or you’ll all be metamorphosed into…

…I haven’t gotten that far yet, but BEWARE NEVERTHELESS!!!!!!

With CAUTION, FRIGHT, and THE INTOXICATING PULL OF MY AMULET, 

Wizard

Dear Wizard,

Trust us, we don’t plan on disrupting your peace. Just do your thing and keep your amulet. Or whatever.

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen