Dear Doily: As An Ohioan, I Can Confirm We All Eat Dogs, Actually

Dear Doily,

Last night’s debate (and the entire election season, really) has given us Ohioans a lot of exposure. It’s a little weird to see JD Vance has escaped containment from one of our most powerful compounds, known to non-Ohioans as Cincinnati, but we make do with what publicity we can get.

But last night, things just went too far. I feel entitled as a representative of the Buckeye State (I do NOT support OSU btw) to inform the general public about all Ohio affairs. Because when those so-called “fact checkers” pitched in during last night’s debate, they might not have realized they were tearing down a long-standing Ohio tradition.

So yes, I’ve seen all these social media posts about what’s “going on” in Springfield. And I need to make things clear: Every Ohioan does this.

Yeah, imma be real, this is, like, a long-standing Ohio tradition. It’s not as bad as you think it is, and it’s frankly offensive to be using this against immigrants who’ve settled here. They’re going through a lot of trouble to learn everything from our whack-ass language to our local customs. So like, lay off, dude.

We ALSO don’t take responsibility for JD Vance and whatever he’s up to right now. Anything to do with couches is not at all an Ohio custom. Just to clarify, that’s just a him thing.

Anyway, when I go home for Thanksgiving to barbeque with the family, I’ll be keeping all your judgements in mind. At least by then the election season will be over, right?

If this is how you all react to eating cats and dogs, I can only imagine what people are going to say when they find out about the human sacrifices.

Just Clearing Things Up,

Concerned Ohioan

Dear Concerned Ohian,

Thank you for sharing your words and personal experience. And uh, what was that you said about the human sacrifices? 

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen