Dear Doily Allergen: Worried About My Dad’s Health

Dear Doily Allergen,

My dad had a medical scare a few months ago and ever since I haven’t been able to shake the fear of losing him. My anxieties have been getting worse and worse. I wake up at night shaking and can’t get back to sleep. I feel like I’m losing my mind. How can I stop having so much anxiety over the thought of losing my dad?

Sincerely,

Insomniac at Iowa

Hey there Insomniac, thanks for writing in! I’d like to start by saying your fear is perfectly valid and we at the Allergen are sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Fortunately, after a collective 236 hours on WebMD, we have just the solution for these kinds of anxieties: rip off the metaphorical band-aid and kill your dad yourself.

We know what you’re thinking: “Clever, insightful, dashingly handsome Allergen writers, surely this suggestion is counterintuitive?” Well, first off, thank you, we certainly are all of those things. Second, it’s not counterintuitive at all! In fact, this is an example of what psychiatrists call ‘exposure therapy’, a treatment in which you are desensitized to your fears by facing them head on. And what better way of banishing those pesky anxieties over losing your dad by taking the initiative and bumping off the old man yourself?

Of course, exposure therapy consists of much more than throwing yourself at your fears without preparation. We’d advise creating a safe space in which to do away with your father. Light some candles, dim the lights, and put on some ambient noise (we’re partial to whale sounds). Have a favorite incense? Try sharpening their tips into deadly points before lighting them on fire.You could incorporate objects that bring you comfort; a baby blanket may feel cozy and bring back fond memories of a happy childhood while simultaneously acting as a surprisingly effective murder weapon. The possibilities are endless, what matters is tailoring the environment to your safety and comfort.

One more thing to consider is that sometimes exposure therapy needs to be a gradual process. Maybe you’re not ready to kill your dad in one go, and that’s totally okay! Start by cutting off a finger or removing a kidney. Your father loves you, he’ll understand if you need to take it slow.

Still skeptical about the benefits of dispatching daddy? Fear not, Insomniac, this advice doesn’t come without proof of past successes. In fact, this method has proved effective in easing the anxieties of multiple famous figures, including Kylo Ren, Tyrion Lannister, and Mordred. These guys can tell you, it’s hard to fear for your father’s future while standing over his rapidly cooling body. Even Oedipus wasn’t much of a go-getter until he snuffed out his dear old pop, and that guy became king!

So there you have it, a simple solution that’s sure to get you back to a full night’s rest in no time. As Freud said, “Kill the father, literally if you have to.”

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