Daily Iowan Finally Publishes a Halfway Decent Article, at Least by Their Standards

At last, they finally did it! After nearly 400 years of being in circulation, the Daily Iowan has finally published a halfway decent article, at least by their standards. While this may appear to be misinformation (seriously, I didn’t believe it either), we can assure you it’s completely accurate.

The record was broken by a freshman writer for the Daily Iowan who wrote a piece entitled “Why Elafints are My Favrite Aminals” under the “news” column for the publication. While we agree that this hardly constitutes news, believe me, they’re really trying their best. While the article does contain 173 spelling mistakes and over 700 uses of improper grammar, this blows past the record previously set by “Elray’s Live and Dive begins using ID Scanner.”

After interviewing the writer of the elephant article, who wishes to remain anonymous, they explained how they were able to write something that’s at least halfway decent simply by not boasting about writing for the Daily Iowan and actually spending time going to their journalism and writing classes.

Through this process, they were able to save over 73 hours per week, which they spent practicing writing and expanding their vocabulary. In my opinion, this is a great alternative to paying ghost writers like we do here at the Doily Allergen. Thanks to the anonymous writer of the elephant piece, the DI finally published its first article that was written at a fourth grade level. Now that’s progress!

To celebrate the publication of the elephant piece, the entire DI staff threw their nightly party in the IMU in celebration of the anonymous writer. It was basically the same party as usual, meaning that all the DI staff basically just congratulated each other for four hours. However, Barbara Wilson showed up halfway through to cut the cake and give the anonymous writer a big, fat, gold medal. Oh, also, it goes without saying that this was all paid using students’ tuition money.

All in all, we want to congratulate the Daily Iowan on their tremendous achievement! Great work. We look forward to seeing their future work as they continue to make waves in the field of journalism. Also, to the anonymous writer, you should apply to the Doily Allergen! We’d love to have you on our team as our coffee boy!