Currier Ghosts Penalized For Not Adhering To Social Distancing Guidelines

As part of the university’s crackdown on enforcing social distancing on campus, RAs have been instructed to bring down the hammer on some of Currier Hall’s most disruptive residents: the ghosts.

“Currier’s always been haunted,” said sophomore Nick Nelson, a resident in the building. The oldest residence hall on campus, Currier has long been known for suspiciously supernatural-seeming activity.

“Usually we don’t care, we let the ghosts do whatever, especially during October because it adds to the spooky vibe,” said Marie McCormick, a Currier RA. “We’ve got enough on our plate fighting the bats and cockroaches. Who cares if some bro who died in 1895 is banging around in the walls? But it’s a pandemic, man. It’s just not responsible. There’ll be thirty, sometimes forty ghosts in one pipe at a time, partying while the rest of us are actually taking this seriously.”

Nelson said he had reported eight ghosts by midnight on Saturday night. As of yet, there have been no expulsions or exorcisms, but three ghosts have been suspended and eight have received official reprimands.

Upon being asked to comment, the ghosts emitted a crackling sound like rustling paper or snapping twigs.