COVID-19 Survival Kit: 10 Essential Things for Social Isolation

With lockdown upon us, The Doily Allergen has prepared a list of anything and everything Iowa students needs to survive social distancing:

1. Toilet paper

Everyone is stocking up. If you care about the future of your bowels you would be wise to buy some before the national shortages really hit.

2. Hawkeye Vodka

Sanitation is one of the most important things to consider in a pandemic. Only something with a high enough ABV and the bitter taste of foolhardy youth like Hawkeye Vodka can keep you and your home clean inside and out.

3. Toilet Paper

Can you feel that irrational desire to wipe your ass yet? It’s coming. The only solution is to stockpile fifty rolls all for yourself. You know, just to be safe.

4. Peloton Bike with Works Package

Staying fit with the rec centers closed can be difficult. That’s why we suggest dropping $2500 on a workout bike with a mat that doesn’t fit in your living room that includes these weird shoes you don’t need, weights you can’t lift, headphones you don’t want, and a heart rate monitor to have a physical representation of your fear.

5. Toilet Paper

I want to see you shove through families and old people to get six rolls of butt tissues. If there is not a body count on the floor of the Wal-Mart then there’s no way your asshole has the strength to survive the months ahead.

6. Quinoa

Quarantine is a great time to try to eat healthier by buying grains you don’t even know how to cook instead of spaghetti.

7. Domino’s Coupon

For when you find out you don’t like quinoa

8. Toilet Paper

Just do it, you dirty slut.

9. Hand Lotion

For moisturizing your hands… from all that friction. From the constant handwashing. Yes. Handwashing…

10. The Daily Iowan

Desperate times call for desperate measures. In the inevitable toilet paper shortage, there is only one publication with the kind of articles deserving of such special treatment in these desperate times.