Compromise Reached! New Terms Added to DEI: Cisgender, Heterosexual, White, Christian, Male

Equal opportunity over equity! Diversity saved!!!!!

Only days after the University of Iowa announced that they would be moving their African American, Latino, and LGBTQ+ LLCs to Guantanamo Bay, student activists have seemed to change Barbara Wilson’s mind on the matter.

UIowa Students have been protesting outside of the president’s mansion (mansion) due to Wilson announcing that the university would be relocating all members of the university’s DEI LLCs to Guantanamo Bay. However, after nearly a week of protest, Wilson and the activists seem to have come to a compromise.

Wilson announced that the university would keep its DEI LLCs on one measly, little condition: That the terms “Cisgender,” “Heterosexual,” “White,” “Christian,” and “Male” be recognized as marginalized groups and that a DEI LLC for members of these groups be established immediately.

While it seems unfavorable to the students who disagreed with Wilson’s initial decision, it seems that they are willing to accommodate the sensitive wittle feelings of cishet, white, christian dudes in order to get them to not throw a hissy fit as soon as literally anybody else gets anything nice.

The new LLC, dubbed “The Native American LLC” will reside in a brand new residence hall, constructed just for them, called “Upper Echelon Residence Hall,” which will consist of only penthouse suites, and will be reserved for those who qualify to join The Native American LLC and who are also legacy students. The hall coordinator of the Upper Echelon Residence Hall will also be referred to as the Grand Wizard. Note that the nomenclature of the LLC has nothing to do with actual Native Americans, and instead has been inaccurately accredited to colonizers who like to claim that America was their land.

Friendly reminder that the University of Iowa preemptively and eagerly succumbs to the will of nazis and it makes sure its privileged students are perfectly comfortable before it dare makes an attempt to protect its BIPOC, Immigrant, and Queer students.