College Republicans Angered By University’s New, Desexualized Herky

University of Iowa’s classic mascot, Herky, has been a staple of this campus for generations. Students now and their parents and grandparents before them have come to know Herky as not only a symbol of Iowa pride, but also a sex symbol. He’s the kinda bird that makes you wanna rip off that jersey and find out what’s underneath those feathers, but starting this March that’s about to change. Herky’s getting a makeover.

The University has announced Herky will be exchanging his classic jersey for a more conservative sweater vest. Additionally he will be given a pair of thick rimmed glasses, and a book of Edgar Allen Poe’s poetry to awkwardly carry in front of him at all times. The university hopes his new look will give him more of an “intellectual” appeal.

“We don’t want him to be completely unattractive,” head of athletics Owen Martin explained, “more of the hot girl in the movies before she takes her glasses off vibe. You’d fuck him but you wouldn’t necesarily want your friends to know…regardless we want to send the message that Herky’s a new bird in 2022 and he’s a smart guy”

Some are extremely angered by Herky’s new look. The College Republicans have already held several marches and have taken to lining the sidewalks of Iowa City with colorful chalk echoing their message. They will not stand for this.

“We will not allow our voices to be silenced by the liberal media,” said junior Gerold Smith, “Herky’s not about brains, or books, or even sports. Herkys is about two things, and that’s sucking and fucking.”

Smith isn’t the only one who feels this way, the movement has started to generate a lot of attention on campus. Senior Lindsay Richards says it’s hit especially hard for the women within UICR.

“Watching Herky out there on the field with his bird biceps used to be the highlight of the game for me, but now I don’t even recognize him anymore. We all know the real Herky and the snowflakes can try to change him but we’re not gonna stop fighting until we get our big hot bird boy back,” Richards said.