Climate Scientists Retract All Research From Past Decades, It Was All Just Gender Reveal Parties

Scientists studying climate change around the globe called off their research earlier this week, having determined that the sole cause of rising temperatures had just been gender reveal parties all along. The University of Iowa’s head climate researcher, Dr. Dennis Larraby, held a press conference Sunday, pointing out that every major weather-related disaster over the last twelve years was actually caused by some mishap with a blue firecracker or too much dyed-pink water spilling out of a water balloon.

“Gender reveal parties are a threat to our very existence,” Larraby said. “Any time some dimwitted parent-to-be decides to pollute the air with colored smoke or Silly String fumes, we get large-scale fires like we’re seeing now in California, the Ozone layer gets depleted, and the world’s oceans rise by at least three inches. And that’s every time. We strongly recommend prospective parents to cease these parties immediately. Not only are they a danger to all life on earth, most of them are just plain tacky.”

Larraby and his team also apologized for misleading the public on the cause of climate change prior to this recent breakthrough.

“We thought we were on the right track at the time, but we now know the role that the rampant burning of fossil fuels plays in the climate change crisis is slim to none. I mean, it’s not helping or anything, but compared to these gender reveal parties, small potatoes, really. The reports we were publishing up until now were completely wrong. Talk about a waste of ten years.”

When pressed on the takeaway of this new discovery, Larraby said his outlook for the future remains bleak.

“Climate change is still going to kill us all, but in the meantime, please tell anyone who plans on throwing a gender reveal party to please not, for the sake of humanity. We might be able to get in a couple more years if we stop all at once. Plus they’re just so unnecessary. Like, Jesus Christ. Just write it down in an envelope or something.”