Clearly Sober Man at Frat Party Reports He Is Sooooo Drunk Right Now, You Guys

At a frat party, clearly sober student Trevor West, 19, told reporters that he is sooooooo drunk right now, you guys.

“Guys, I am gooonneee,” said the business major in perfectly coherent English. “It might not look like I’m that drunk, because I’m good at hiding it, but trust me. I’m super drunk.”

When questioned on how many drinks he had, West said he’d only had two mixed drinks, but they were really strong and he’d had a small dinner so that made them more “effective.”

“This is maybe, like, the second most tanked I’ve ever been,” West continued, “The drunkest I’ve been was at Garrett’s party last year. I was wasted then. Were you there? I was soooooooooo drunk then. But, like, I’m also really drunk right now.”

To demonstrate his claimed level of intoxication, West walked from one end of the room to the other in a perfectly straight line before pretending to fall over very poorly.

West proclaimed that, “He was totally gonna spew, bro,” and spent the next fifteen minutes dry-heaving into a toilet while reporters watched with pity and disdain.

At press time, West was last seen joking about the massive hangover he would have tomorrow morning while reporters considered the quickest way to ditch him.