Classes of Forty-Nine People On Thin Fucking Ice

After deciding in June that classes of fifty or more students would be moved online for the fall 2020 semester, the University of Iowa Office of the Registrar released a more detailed email informing classes of 49 students that they are on thin fucking ice. Registrar official Pete Nichols held a press conference Tuesday, in which he clarified that while classes of 49 students were perfectly acceptable, they were just one student away from becoming an intolerable health risk.

“Classes of 49 students, hear me now,” Nichols said. “Yes, we have allowed you to continue in-person lessons, because fifty students in a tiny classroom obviously poses a much higher risk of spreading disease than forty-nine students in the same tiny classroom. But you had better watch your proverbial butts, because if you don’t heed the necessary safety precautions you’ll be going online faster than you can even start coughing.”

Nichols told reporters that while these classes were only to move online in the event of uncontrollable community spread of the COVID-19 virus that could endanger student health, these classes still “best check themselves. Or else.”

“Mark my words, if so much as one more student goes into that classroom, even if it’s the first day and they’ve gotten lost, I will personally come down there and kick all your asses onto a Zoom call,” he said. “Student health is something we take very seriously, and that one extra student completely compromises an otherwise flawless system.”

The press conference ended abruptly when an aide rushed up to Nichols and whispered something in his ear, prompting him to pick up a baseball bat and storm toward the English-Philosophy Building.