Christian Student Knits Sweaters For Trees That Are Letting It All Hang Out

Winter is here, which means the white boys who choose to wear shorts in sub zero temperatures will emerge from their ratty apartments and the trees will start to lose their leaves. Most everyone welcomes the latter, which is to say no one really gives a fuck. But one student gives many fucks, and has decided to do something about it.

UI sophomore Lazarus Abner is a transfer student from California, a devout Catholic, and frequent Pope Francis cosplayer. He firmly believes that women should cover up in order to maintain their modesty, and to be more attractive to men. If he sees a female with her ankles exposed, or her toes visible from her flip flops, he stops her and makes sure to lecture her about her whore-ish behavior.

In California, Abner never saw a tree without its leaves, so upon experiencing his first winter in Iowa, he was surprised and appalled to see them barren of their coverings.

“I thought the devil must be up to something disgusting and most mischievous,” Abner said. “The trees in Iowa had it all hanging out…. It was an assault to the eyes. Their naked limbs go against everything me and God stand for.”

Thankfully, Abner happens to be great with his hands. He has been knitting for years, and has donated knitted clothes to the elderly, stray dogs, and the entire staff of the Hooter’s location in his hometown. Abner has vowed to knit a sweater for every tree in Iowa City, in order to return their decency.

“This project will most likely take me all winter to complete, as I only have half of one done now,” he said. “I’m thinking of visiting retirement homes in the area to see if I can recruit some of the elderly to assist me. I just hope this project is finished in time for my mission trip in June.”

Pope Francis has heard about Abner’s Godly work, and plans on awarding him the Supreme Order of Christ. Abner says he will be cosplaying as the Pope to receive his award.