Children’s Hospital Unsure Of What To Do Without Alcoholic Beverage Sponsor

After Anheuser-Busch cut ties with fundraising efforts for the Stead Family Children’s Hospital, physicians were stunned, unsure of how to improve the health of their young patients without an alcoholic beverage sponsor.

“As an institution charged with treating vulnerable minors and children, not having a niche beer brand to support us finically is to going to be detrimental,” said Chief Physician Eva Tsalikian. “When Busch approached us with a partnership idea a few days ago, it was truly a life-line to this failing hospital. There’s simply no other way we could continue to achieve the things we have in medical research, or perform the life saving miracles we have, without the backing of a company that produces a stale tasting, low-quality light beer. We’re sad to see Busch go, and can only hope some other bottom-shelf liquor seller steps up to help us provide proper care for these kids.”

At press time, children’s hospital staff was soliciting donations from Pall Mall Cigarettes, Jack Daniels, and Playboy Magazine.