Chiefs Devil Magic Encroaching On Iowa City

As the Chiefs prepare to face the Eagles in the Super Bowl this coming Sunday, the looming threat of a Chiefs win has led to an uptick in strange activity in the Midwest. Cities St. Louis and Lincoln–which, to be fair, have their fair share of problems–have already reported bizarre happenings as a result of the devil magic in the Chiefs locker room. 

Iowa City has not been spared by the rituals the Chiefs are performing, and we have already started to feel the effects. Patrick Mahomes’ pact with the devil led to the drastic temperature drop earlier this week, and Travis Kelce’s sigil on the back of his locker has caused many students to fall into a beginning of the semester slump. A red wave of demonic activity has begun to travel across the country, and Iowa City is expected to receive the full impact on Saturday. 

A Chiefs win on Sunday would signify a full Satanic takeover of the United States, as their magic would become so strong that the nation would be powerless against it. In this event, the rivers will run red with blood, the sky will remain ominously dark for the rest of time, and an increased number of virgin sacrifices are expected to occur. In Iowa City, it is expected that the Old Capitol dome will turn red, YAF will be eviscerated, and Barb Wilson will begin to practice black magic to ensure that students fail their midterms and are trapped here forever. 

To the Eagles (especially Cooper DeJean): if you can hear us, please save us. If you vanquish Satanic Overlord Patrick Mahomes on Sunday, America owes you an irreparable debt. Your greatest enemy, however, may not be the Chiefs, but the referees. They are certainly agents of the Devil, and America’s fate depends on you. God be with you.