Chicago Suburbs See 100% Decrease In People Killing Time At Starbucks

Once bustling with people dicking around on their phones waiting for something to happen, there remains little evidence that one Starbucks located in Bloomington, Illinois, was once a hub of young people with no plans or obligations whatsoever.

In fact several reports have confirmed that dozens of Chicago neighborhoods have seen a 100% decrease in people killing time at Starbucks franchises.

“It alarmed us how quickly everything changed,” said Starbucks manager Jenna Thomas. “Just two weeks ago our outdoor patio couldn’t accommodate another 19 year-old slowly sipping on an iced late while shopping for clothes online. Now its ghost town—guess whatever they were waiting around for finally happened.”

Starbucks owners in Chicago have seen little to no effect on profits, as locals still purchase coffee there before heading to work. However, these customers simply refuse to hang around on the sofas to play Scrabble and people watch for hours on end.

“It feels wrong,” said Starbucks owner Nathan Quinton. “The other morning I went to check in on the store, and every single person there was dressed business-casual and walking out the door as soon as they got their drink. No loitering around in sweatpants, no obnoxious chatting on the phone. There was a serious lack of young people purchasing cheap, day-old pastries so they could remain in the store and do absolutely nothing. I asked myself, ‘what kind of coffee shop am I running here’?”

Local officials told business owners not to panic, as historical data shows that nearly all the vagrants return in December to sit around and take their sweet-ass-time drinking Starbucks’ signature Peppermint Mocha.