Cactus Locations As Ranked By Brad

It’s no secret that the Cactus restaurants are some of the greatest fine dining establishments in all of Iowa City. But with multiple Cactus restaurants, it can be hard to choose which one to patronize. We sent our field reporter Brad Trossen to see which Cactus location reigns supreme.

1. Cactus 1

Sup guys, Brad here ready to start ranking all these fucking Cactus locations. Alright, we’re starting off with the OG, Cactus 1. This place is fucking awesome bro. So many chicks hang out here and it’s pretty close to campus. Plus, I heard they don’t card bro so if you and the boys wanna get absolutely faded then this is the place to go. Food was alright, but what really kept me coming back was all the babes, bro. Schwing amiright? Plus they always let me smoke my nic without kicking me out, which is always much appreciated. They’re not fucking pussies over there. Who needs masks when you got a dope nic device, right? Anyways, best Cactus location by far. Original flavor is always the best. 10/10

1. Cactus 2

This place doesn’t even exist in Iowa City anymore. It moved all the way to fucking Ames and that is some bullshit. Fucking Iowa State. Still, I’ll always have the memory of this place. Great food, great drinks, great babes. What more could a fella ask for? 8/10

1. Cactus 3: Revenge of the Sith

Bruh this one just straight up is not as good as Cactus 1 and 2. I mean the whole lava fight thing was dope, and General Grevious is a fucking badass. But I just thought Cactus 1 and 2 fleshed out the universe a little bit more. And I love me some pod racing. So this one didn’t really do it for me but I’d still recommend it. 6/10

1. Cactus Mars (Elon’s version)

Alright this is where things get a little sus for me. I was invited by the GOAT himself, Elon Musk to check out a new Cactus location on Mars! Bruh do you know how sick it was to go to another planet and eat tacos with the Doge Daddy? Such a cool experience, but couldn’t really breath well up there, so 3/10.

1. Cock-dust

I might have gotten a little lost with this one. Someone told me that this was a Cactus location, but when I went in there it was just a bunch of dudes acting real sussy. They were buying me drinks and asking if I was a top or a bottom. I kept having to tell these dudes that I was as straight as they come. But some of these dudes were looking really submissive and breedable that night. Old Brad here might have just discovered something about himself that night. Anyways, I’m giving this a 1/10 for making me confront my homoerotic impulses.

1. Pip Pip Cheerio British Cactus

This one was weird as fuck, man. I walk into this place and they’re all like “Right then, would you like a spot of tea, innit?” And I was like “Nah man, I’d like a burrito and some tequila”. And they were all like “Ah, ‘fraid not mate, just sold of out me las one, innit? What about a right good bloody pudding, on the house, yeah?” I got out of there right quick I did. It was just a bunch of old guys sitting around sipping beers and talking about some guy named “Brexit”. Stupid name if you ask me. Not a good place at all 0/10.