CAB Haunted House Just Unaltered EPB Basement Hallway

The Campus Activities Board announced that rather than designing dozens of frightening props and costumes for their haunted house, they would simply walk students through the unaltered, fully-lit basement hallway of the English-Philosophy Building.

“Usually what we do is cover a normal hallway in fake blood and cobwebs. We’ll put on a fog machine and some creepy sound effects,” said junior Hank Wester. “But with EPB’s basement hall, you don’t really have to do any of that. The frigid air, the damp stonework, harsh light reflecting off tile floors from pre-civil rights America. It’s horrifying. We were going to have at least one kid in zombie make-up standing near a classroom, but there was already a strange man in an elbow-patch sweater reading Franz Kafka aloud, jumping out at random. We did not make that hideous restroom sign, and that girl fidgeting in the corner was here on Tuesday when we scouted the place out.”

A CAB spokesperson said thrill-seeking students who attend the haunted house on Thursday can comeback “literally anytime,” and that the hallway is “like this every single day of the year. We did nothing but put up that ‘haunted house’ sign. It’s a just a constant nightmare down there.”