Bruce Harreld Wows Board Of Regents With Graph Of How Much He’ll Like Them If State Funding Increase

Having made arguments around the university’s falling gross tuition revenue to no success, UI President Bruce Harreld wowed the Iowa Board of Regents with a graph of how much more he’ll like them if they increase state funding.

“As you can see, I’m perfectly fond of all you at $742 million set aside for the university. No one I’d spend a weekend in Aspen with, but we’d be on affable speaking terms. Now if you follow the data points you’ll see that I really start warming up to this group at $775 million, and way up here is how much I’ll like you guys if UI’s grant for the 2020 fiscal year exceeds $800 million. All nine of us are basically best friends at that point. Have you ever seen ‘The Breakfast Club?’ It’d be like that.”

Harreld added that he would “probably not talk to [any of them] for a while” if state contributions to UI dipped below $700 million. Harreld also brought out a second graph that indicated the region of funding where he would “have [them] over for dinner any time.”

All nine regent members were stunned by the positive correlation between how much money they allocated to the University of Iowa, and how much Bruce Harreld wanted to be their friend.

“This really puts things into perspective,” said Michael Richards, board president. “Bruce is just one of those guys you want to get to know more, and we would be remiss not to take this opportunity to get on his good side by generating a 7-10% increase in state subsidies. Plus I heard he has a really cool lake house. Maybe we’ll all get invited next summer.”

At press time, Iowa State University President Wendy Wintersteen was explaining how a infusion of state dollars would help offset decreasing Freshman enrollment, to which the regents yawned and speculated whether a grant of $815 million to UI would secure them a spot on the guest list of Harreld ’s famous Christmas party.