Bruce Harreld Trying to Pull a Fast One on Us by Changing the Color of His Mansion Door

In the midst of recent news reports, between Herky—sorry, Themky—being gender neutral and Garza not being shit, we the students have failed to realize that Bruce Herald is trying to pull a fast one on us by changing the color of his mansion door. To yellow.

In light of his impending retirement, Bruce has neglected to keep us up to date on his escapades. Even so, this most recent whirlwind revolving around the yellow door makes one wonder about the meaning of it all. If Bruce can’t tell us why the door was changed, when, how, or what shade of yellow the door now is, then how are we supposed to trust him about anything.

Is it yellow like the Hawkeye logo on a frat boy’s sweatshirt, newly covered in vomit from a night out at the bars? Yellow like the signs of aging we can see in Bruce’s eyes when he glances sideways at something? Yellow like the flowers that suddenly show up out of nowhere on the Pentacrest as if the university doesn’t know that we know how flowers grow and it doesn’t happen overnight? Or even yellow, like the jaundiced glow of Bruce’s skin as he basks in the sunlight of his privilege?

Why Bruce? Why couldn’t you have just told us about the door? If you can send us an email saying how sorry you are that we all have to do school online but “ha ha I’m going on vacation,” then why couldn’t you send one telling us whether the door is canary or dandelion-colored? I need to know!

No updates have been given to us as to the whereabouts of Bruce’s old door, but we will know the truth soon. We will find our purpose, somehow.