British Journalism Student Rejected by Doily Allergen, Regretfully Works for Daily Iowan Instead

This is a dark day for America. Wilfur Crumpleston IV, British exchange student, son of famed Sunday Times reporter Alaska Terfina Crumpleston, and journalism major extraordinaire, has just regretfully accepted a job as an opinions reporter at The Daily Iowan after his application to write for The Doily Allergen was rejected. I interviewed Crumpleston and two of my fellow staff writers to find out why.

“I don’t know what went wrong,” the pathetically rejected would-be Doilyer told me. “I followed all of the application requirements, and I even reported on topics quite relevant to the common goings-on of this quaint American village. I had heard the last treasurer of The Doily Allergen was even English himself, so I thought this would be a safe space for people like me.”

My colleagues at The Doily Allergen, however, thought different.

“You know, it was actually a really good application,” Doily Allergen President Rannerina Hembolk told me, “like, just the right amount of silliness, when it came to the ideas being presented. But then I kept reading and I noticed that, like, I think this guy actually thought we publish real news? Like, he seemed to genuinely believe everything he was saying. I was like, ‘Why the hell is this guy like this?’ And then I realized: He’s British. Suddenly, it all became clear, and I knew we could never accept him onto our staff.”

Another staff writer, Jarnar Klamperstamp, who styles himself as an amateur rapper, informed me of his position that “This is an attempt at a British infiltration, an infestation — and for me, after some rumination, this is a detestation, a ruination, a… coagulation, I don’t know.”

Well, there you have it, folks. It looks like this British infestation is The Daily Iowan’s problem now. But let’s be real, nobody cares if they get destroyed from the inside out. We here at The Doily Allergen are the only reporters on campus who you can trust; as our motto says, we are the University of Iowa’s only student newspaper, ever. The Daily Iowan is a bunch of posers, and now, well… now they’re a bunch of British-infected posers, and that’s the worst fate I could ever imagine.