BREAKING: Old Man Has White Hair and Pronouns

WASHINGTON, D.C.— According to shocking whistleblower reports, woke liberals have infiltrated our highest stations of government. As new details trickle in, it becomes increasingly clear around whom these rumors are centered: a recent hiree at the White House who has been secretly participating in the woke pronoun movement for nearly their entire time as a federal employee.

Having joined the team a little under four years ago, the subject of these reports is an 81-year-old white male from Delaware who works as a policy advisor for Congress. Sounds like a normal chap, if a bit old to still be working—but that’s all, right?

Wrong.

As it turns out, this man is no ordinary top-level federal employee. He’s also a missionary for the radical left pronoun woke mind virus. The evidence the anonymous whistleblower laid out was striking:

• The individual in question has an unusual hair color (white).

• The individual in question actively uses he/him/his pronouns.

If the hair thing weren’t already a telltale sign of liberal infiltration, then the pronouns certainly are. You know who uses pronouns? That’s right, SJWs and zombies to the woke mind virus. Nobody else. We have certainly not used pronouns, and neither have you if you’re one of the few remaining people with family values around these parts.

We have yet to acquire the name of this enigmatic agent, but we know he’s still out there. If you have any more information on him, please let us know at thedoilyallergen@gmail.com. His identity will be broadcast the second we find out more.