BREAKING: Iowa City Bride Arrested for Wearing White after Labor Day

University of Iowa alum and Iowa City resident Peyton Clayton nee Mart was forced to spend her wedding night behind bars. The Monday ceremony was short and sweet, and the reception was jam-packed with every club classic from the 2010s. All signs pointed to the Claytons getting hitched without a hitch until the clock struck midnight. 

Strobe lights tinted red and blue, sirens blaring from the DJ booth, and several party guests revealing themselves to be undercover cops saying Clayton “had the right to hold [her] peace” only marked the start of the end of this now devastating evening. The bride was taken into custody at 12:03 am Tuesday morning, all for the crime of wearing white after labor day.

This arrest was made possible through the development of the Iowa City Fashion Police, whose motto is stated as “To Serve and Protect (but mostly Serve).” It’s part of a nationwide initiative to put an end to fashion faux-pas, better address the American werking class and, naturally, slay the house down boots. Finally, we have an answer to the question of what the police force uses its excessive funding for.

Peyton Clayton currently sits in the Johnson County Jail until funds can be diverted from her planned Bali honeymoon to cover bail. “I don’t understand,” said Clayton, tearful. “I did everything right. The white dress, white shoes… It’s all part of tradition!”

Unfortunately for Clayton, the American justice system values the traditions of the wealthy most of all. While not wearing white after Labor Day may seem a random pointless rule, the practice carries a rich— I mean, upper-middle class history. 

After paying the Doily Allergen to prove he was an unbiased source, Richard ‘Dick’ Enballs VI stated, “The uppercrust of American society only truly despises two things: laborers and filthy commies. The two often go hand-in-hand, which is why our lovely capitalist nation has our Labor Day on a different date from the rest of the socialist, Marxist world.”

He continued: “Naturally, it falls at the end of the summer fashion season, which makes it a perfect point to remember. After Labor Day, it’s a bit of an open secret that anyone who’s anyone stops wearing white until it gets warmer again, lest they be associated with the nouveau riche or worse: service employees.”

When asked if he thought it was hypocritical for the wealthy to distance themselves from workers immediately following the day celebrating them, Enballs flashed his black Amex card in disgust and fear, trying to ward off the Doily Allergen interviewer as if they were a demon. It kind of worked!

In the one effective example of trickle-down economics in history, the white wearing trend has passed down from the ultra-rich to the lower classes, being espoused as law by old wives and couture cops alike. The recent event will surely serve as an example for brides-to-be around the country not to mess with tradition. 

Unless the young couple gets their finances in order, it’s unlikely that Mrs. Clayton will leave jail anytime soon. At least not in that white dress.