Breaking: Fortnite Game Clearly Not Going Well For Neighbor

Shouts of rage and despair echoed through Currier Residence Hall Friday night after UI freshman Max Pendler apparently botched a series of Fortnite matches. Bystanders claim that Pendler could be heard screaming “No NO NOOOO! MOTHERFUCKER, WHERE’D YOU EVEN COME FROM” until roughly 4:10 a.m., at which point his shouts were replaced by soft crying and, eventually, snoring.

Experts have suggested a wide range of theories for why Pendler threw so hard Friday. The leading idea remains that as an avid player of first-person shooters, the freshman could not adapt to the disparity of graphics or controls between Fortnite and his go-to games. Other experts posit that Pendler is just absolute dogwater and that they’ve boned his mother.

Residents of Pendler’s floor have expressed their sympathy for his struggles.

“My heart goes out to him,” said freshman Zachary Darus. “It’s always rough losing a game, but all the yelling makes it seem worse than just your typical loss. It’s clearly a cry for help. A really, really loud cry for help that lingers with you and makes it hard to sleep at night.”

When asked for comment, Pendler explained, “Go away, you’re distracting me you fucking pissflaps, I don’t – no NO FUCK FUCK FUCK! HE SNIPED ME! YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE?!”