Board of Regents Guts College of Sorcerous Arts and Sciences

Job Security Bears Ill Omens

Following federal orders to disband DEI (Divination, Enchantment, and Incantation) initiatives, the Board of Regents has issued massive funding cuts to the University of Iowa College of Sorcerous Arts and Sciences. This is expected to result in layoffs and even the potential disbandment of the College.

Hundreds of students and faculty alike gathered at Hovered Park on Monday to protest these cuts. Signs proclaimed messages such as “Wizardry Is Our Strength,” “Fascists Go Ensorcell Yourselves,” “Cops Are Curses,” “Education Needs Spells,” “Magic Matters,” “Hexes Before Hate,” and “Thaumaturgy Is Thauma-Worthy.”

Iowa YAF (Youth Against Foretelling) celebrated the Board’s announcement, issuing a statement that “Blood shalle rayne in Joious Sanctimonie as the scourge of Devilrie is at longge last expung’d and holy Purity achiev’d at this Benighted institution.”

Yesterday, the University’s Court Diviners held a collegiate synod to presage what departments are likely to suffer the most. Cloaked in red robes, shrouded in darkness, and gathered round a crystal ball, the prophesiers forecast the following to receive the largest layoffs:

• The Department of Necromancy (Division of Spirit-Talking);

• The Department of Necromancy (Division of Lich-Raising);

• The Department of Soothsaying and Augury;

• The Department of Global Hexerei;

• The Department of Santería and Postcolonial Magic Studies;

• The Department of Sortilege and Conjuration;

• Themselves.

Dark clouds are gathering for practitioners of the sorcerous arts. For students of the College worried about the future of your studies, we recommend joining the Iowa City Witches’ Union and other such cults, as well as continuing to practice your works regardless of the university’s actions. Take the future into your own hands by seeing it for yourself!

We scried the Board of Regents for comment, but received no response.