Best Ways to Get Student Org Emails to Go Away!

I just want to clarify both for the writer’s sake and the peace of mind of Student Org outreach people, the following article is a GIGANTIC joke and we admire your commitment to helping students become more engaged in the environment around them. The Doily Allergen supports your work *Kpop heart*

Yeah, we get it, you really really are “excited” to “get students into activities” that will “enrich their college experience and help them grow into contributing and responsible members of society”. Well, I need another email about your entrepreneurship networking frat/ultimate frisbee team/church like I need another stone in my kidney.

Anyways, I figured, what better way to scare off the genuinely good people with pure intentions than a little domestic terrorism? The following are the TOP 5 threats of unsavory behavior that YOU can use to respond to those pesky emails.

1.) Cash rules everything around me

What’s the best way to strongarm someone into compromising their interests and goals for your own personal convenience while also making fat dough? I’m a big fan of theft. I’ve stolen so much money from people’s pockets unwittingly or not that I know people will do anything to get back that sweet sweet rent money. Including backing off of their completely reasonable extracurricular crusade!

2.) Prized, prized possessions

Want to go home from the Student Org Fair to sit down and watch your favorite sitcom? Not if I break into your home and steal your TV! I’ve personally been involved in 80% of Iowa City’s recent TV thefts, and I can’t say I’m looking to stop my human raccoon methods soon. So why not put that blatant disregard for perfectly respectable civilians’ property to good use?

3.) Know how to send a message

Raise your hand if you have a fear of your safe personal space and home being invaded by intruders with evil intentions! LOL, guilty as charged! Thankfully, I also have the ability to be on the giving end of that fear. Leave me with a brick and an unwatched empty home and voíla— - I have caused severe psychological trauma to multiple individuals.

4.) Man’s best friends

Wanna know the way to a person’s heart? Their furry little companions they just love oh so much. Another email about joining student gov? Just grab their dog, an unmarked box with the emailer’s address, and I think you can figure out the rest ;).

15.) Pull out the REAL big guns

i’m going to hurt your family. i won’t go into any much more detail, but just know that the only thing worse than the pain they’ll endure is your guilt knowing that your little email will cause your sweet old parents to never be able to look at you the same knowing what you brought upon them

Make sure to share our article to all your socials, and just remember these tips the next time an annoying email comes into your inbox!