Barbara Wilson Launches New App: BarbaraWilsonOfficial.com

Already better than HawkTools

As part of a new student outreach campaign, Barbara Wilson is taking a break from diving into piles of money and instead diving into a new, unexplored, never-before seen medium: app development. 

Launched last weekend to absolutely no fanfare, BarbaraWilsonOfficial.com hit the App Store and Google Play like the first droplet of rain that you swear doesn’t mean anything. The app offers never before seen features, such as: livestreams, profile pictures, and passwords. Critics are already calling it “the best thing since Fruit Ninja”, and wondering why they didn’t just use all of these resources to improve the university’s various other poorly functioning web systems.

Barbara Wilson, the app’s namesake, is, of course, the main attraction. She regularly streams live on the app from her phone, documenting her day and answering questions from students. She’s even claimed a day of the week, Wilsonday, and legally changed it within the university charter to keep us from deadnaming it. 

This past week, she posted such winners as “gonna remove all the toilet paper from the dorms”, “summoning a snowstorm on Wilsonday again for the fun of it”, and “who wanna get drunk lol” (though it is unclear how many of these are Barb and how many are people with the exact same name and profile picture).

When asked how they produced the app so quickly, Barbara Wilson laughed in a way our correspondent deemed ‘ominous’, while she spun around in her chair, petting her cat and holding her hand over the ‘open shark pit’ button. “We told them that we were going to downsize their department,” she told them, “They’ve been working usually well since then.”

“It’s been great for student morale,” Barb told us, “Whenever I walk around campus, I keep hearing people talk about how excited they are for Wilsonday, and how much they enjoy seeing my posts. It’s really helped me feel connected to the student community. I haven’t felt this good since I shot Kennedy… Is this thing on?”

In the future, Barb hopes the app can act as a sort of community hub for all things Iowa (and all things Barb). Planned features include mandatory Duo two-factor authentication, ICON integration, and Hawk Dollar microtransactions. There’s a bright future ahead for BarbaraWilsonOfficial.com!

UPDATE: BarbaraWilsonOfficial.com has been taken off of the App Store and Google Play after it was revealed that Barb was never actually on the app. We don’t know why she told our reporter that stuff.