Allergen Staff Kind Of Disappointed We Haven’t Found Worthy Adversary Yet

From the beginning, practitioners of satire have pursued a single goal: death threats. What is the point of criticizing society’s flaws through a comedic lens, if not to receive anonymous mail from the morons we’ve angered? The hard-working, honest staff of The Doily Allergen has reached a conclusion: we want an enemy.

It kinda stings, you know? Are we just so small that no one even notices us? We’re out here busting our balls, trying to piss someone off! We’ve attacked conservatives, liberals, business majors, the President of the University, even those nerds on the Overwatch team. At one point we burned a professor by name. His actual fucking name.

But, we got nothing. No hate mail, no anger, and certainly no death threats.

We hired like, a fuckton of lawyers. We had a whole team, we were ready to start drowning in the cease-and-desists and the accusations of slander. Then we fired the lawyers, because they were clearly doing way too well at dealing with our foes. Then we realized: no one’s offended. It’s entirely possible our words have totally escaped the very ears we targeted.

Does anyone read the actual meat of these? We’ve really upped our production quality, and we have a team of incredible writers working on these insults, for you, the people! We’ve got some real zingers in these articles, some real playful banter targeting lots of different people in our community. Yet our community gives us fuck all in return, apparently unable to even just scribble “Eat shit” on a napkin and tape to our car.

Maybe we aren’t being mean enough…