All Work, No Play: Billions to Go Into Labor, Never Give Birth

Expect gentrification this Labor Day

NEW YORK – The United Nations headquarters has been sent into a panic, for an American holiday has gone rampant worldwide. Not too much of a surprise, considering it’s America and we’re basically the world, but whatever, the UN’s freaked. Reports indicate that every last one of the nearly two and a half billion women on this planet will spontaneously go into labor this Monday. Despite the fact that this happens every year, our governments are once again unprepared. Here’s what you need to know:

FACT 1. All female persons aged 18 and older globally will enter labor sometime Monday morning. This excruciating process, which some have called worse than a hundred centuries in hell, will last at least twenty-one hours, and may stretch into early Tuesday.

FACT 2. Miraculously, this includes trans women and excludes trans men. Non-binary women are included. Other semi-female-identifying non-binary people will be handled on a case-by-case basis. Agender people will not go into labor. If you enter labor without possessing a uterus, please contact the University of Iowa Graduate College to participate in a long and harrowing study. Participants will be rewarded a $5 Amazon gift card to be shared between them.

FACT 3. This event cannot tell you your gender, as it is somehow based on what you currently identify as, whether privately or publicly.

FACT 4. There is no appeals process. If you are in the category described above, you will go into labor and should locate a nearby hospital in case of emergency.

FACT 5. No one who enters labor on Monday will give birth, not even those nine months pregnant. If your little niece or nephew was meant to be born September 2nd, 2024, you should reschedule your visit for the 3rd. This is because Labor Day is a holiday in celebration of labor, not birth. If you wish for such a holiday, petition the United States federal government to institute a national Birth Day. (No, July 4th doesn’t count.)

FACT 6. The reason this occurs on the first Monday of September, and not the first day of May—the labor holiday celebrated in most of the world—is because that one is technically called International Workers’ Day, not Labor Day. It’s also called May Day, which further complicates the matter, given that one can never be sure if there will be a day on May 1st, only that there may be one.

FACT 7. Some women have to work on Labor Day. Sucks to be you, I guess.

FACT 8. All men have Labor Day off to drink beer and go fishing. You’re on your own, ladies! Does it make any difference at all in your day-to-day lives? Probably not, so it’s therefore not an issue!

Those are all the facts. If you have any questions this Labor Day, throw them away, because I won’t be there to listen to your nagging, woman! Jimmy invited me out to drink with the work guys, maybe throw a few lines out on the river. You know how it is. Make sure dinner’s ready by the time I’m home!