Ah, Shit, We Missed It

Today President Bruce Harreld released a critical warning to all University of Iowa students and Iowa City residents, issuing a strict stay-at-home order after the city streets were ravaged by hordes of alien warriors hellbent on – hold up, hold up, yesterday was the first?

Goddammit. We missed it.

You’re sure yesterday was the first? Like, positive? Fuck. You’re sure? Fuuuuck. We had so many good ideas this year too! We weren’t just gonna do some weak shit where we just post “real news” instead or something either, we had like, this crazy, eight-step prank that was sure to bring Iowa City to its knees. So many good plans, all gone to waste. Now what, are we supposed to plan some big make-up prank for one of the regular holidays for all the fucking squares in the world? Forget about it. Nobody wants a Thanksgiving prank or an Arbor Day prank or a Month Week prank. The moment’s passed. It’s gone. It’s dead. We killed it.

I mean, seriously. This is like, our holiday! If we don’t prank anyone for April Fools, how are we even supposed to be taken seriously as journalists. This is unbelievable. We should hold ourselves to a higher standard than this, and we apologize to all our readers who understandably want to punch us in the face right now. We’re right there with you.

Anyways, stay inside or the aliens will kill you or whatever. Who even gives a shit. Un-fucking-believable.