Academy CEO’s Childhood Bully was Named Greta… Now All Gretas Shall Pay

With every year that the Academy Awards are held, there will inevitably be a few upsets when it comes to the choices for nominations. Many classic films have been underrepresented or straight up ignored when it comes to nominations, such as The Shining, Vertigo, Oldboy, and Megamind among many others. Even the greatest film of all time, Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, was denied its well-due credit. Many have speculated this to be because of Paul Thomas Anderson paying off the Academy to take down filmmakers he saw to be too much of a competition to his lesser work, There Will Be Blood, but it was still a disappointing loss nonetheless.

This past week, the nominations for this year’s Academy Awards were announced and, as per usual, people had some complaints. It’s a commonly known fact that the Oscars historically favor white men when it comes to recognition, but in a year with so many great films directed, written, and starring women, there was some hope that this would break the tradition. And yes, some great female-driven movies were nominated for some of the big awards. Not for the right awards, though, you know? 

Two of the most notable snubs in the nomination categories were that of Greta Gerwig for her directorial work on Barbie and Greta Lee for her acting role in Past Lives. Both of these women were undeniably fantastic in their respective roles… or at least I assume they were. I’m not actually sure what a director does, and the only thing I know Greta Lee from is that time loop show with Natasha Lyonne. All I know is that I, a (kind of) woman, owe it to all of womankind to support those that serve cunt, slay pussy, and yass their queen shit. 

Being that I am a true feminist, I joined my nearest women's march and we all made our way from Iowa City to Hollywood, surviving on nothing but Yoplait and Rosée. After we reached the home of the official head of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts, Matthias Cinemá, we held a riot outside his gates, demanding that our girlbosses get acknowledged for their achievements. Matthias Cinemá stayed holed up in his mansion until we started pelting his premises with used tampons, which disturbed him enough to come out and address us. Typical man, all fine and dandy until women start waving around their bloody tampons in his face.

“Oh my Godfather! What are you broads doing?” the old bitch demanded. He was wearing nothing but a gold-embossed bathrobe, plush Gucci slippers, and a scowl. 

“We’re here on behalf of Greta Gerwig and Greta Lee,” I announced, pushing my way to the front of the pack of women. “Give them their Oscars or face our wrath! We are roars, hear us woman!”

“Hang on, let me silence you lambs for just a second. Do you all really think that I snubbed those American beauties just because they’re female?”

“Well, yeah. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

“Au contraire, my fair lady,” the elderly man replied, stepping up to meet me eye-to-eye. “The truth is far more devastating.

“You see, when I was a young child back in 1874, I had a rocky relationship with a girl named Greta Gump who, I tell you, was a total parasite. Because of my beautiful mind, she insisted on putting me through a titanic amount of abuse. She made me dance with wolves and shoved me in her ‘hurt’ locker!”

“Goodness!” I exclaimed. “That does sound awful!”

“That’s not even the worst of it. In high school, I had a girlfriend named Annie Hall, and our time together was the best years of our lives. On the weekends, she had a part-time job driving Miss Daisy, my elderly neighbor. When Greta heard about Annie’s job, well, it happened one night that she cut the brake lines in Annie’s car with the intent of causing a crash. Sure enough, Annie and Miss Daisy drove off the Bridge on the River Kwai, and their car became the shape of water.”

I shook my head, tears forming in the corners of my eyes. “I had no idea you’d been through so much. I’m so sorry, king.”

“Please, child, I am no king. If I am to be a king, though then let this be the king’s speech. All of the king’s men, my nominees, are chosen not just because of their talent, but because of their moral standing. They are sweet summer children that can do no wrong.”

Before I could bring up the Kevin Spacey-shaped elephant in the room, he continued.

“It is my belief, then, that no one named Greta can be truly innocent, for their legacy has been tainted in my eyes, and as such they will remain unforgiven. So, yes, Greta Gerwig and Greta Lee and Greta Garbo and Greta Thunberg were very talented in their roles, but for all I know, she could’ve been the one that left my dear Annie on the waterfront all those years ago. Now, I shall retreat until the return of the king is necessary.”

And with that, he turned and walked back into his home, leaving a group of stunned women. Then, slowly but surely, everyone began to clap and salute Matthias Cinemá for his brave heart. 

In his honor, the Becker Communications Building will host a screening of Green Book in his honor.