12th Floor Freshman Literally Fucking Dies in the Catlett Elevator

This week, the DA has terrible news to report, as a tragedy has struck Iowa’s newest residence hall. In the crush of students running between classes and their dorms, one freshman found himself taking his biblical studies straight to the source. News is infrequent and far between as further details come out about the incident, but it is believed a student has perished in the Catlett elevator. A recent press release named the victim as freshman Justin Boddie, who resided on the 12th floor.

Catlett Hall, home to over 1,000 students, is no stranger to elevator issues. Every day, a complex tango takes place between the twelve floors to drop students off for classes and events, while bringing them safely to their dorm. The ride, however, is hardly a smooth one.

An anonymous resident spoke with us about this very experience. “It’s fine, at first. Move-in is tedious but you’re sure it’ll get better a week or so in. And then it doesn’t. 

“There are some days where there’s not a soul in sight, and others where you’re sure the elevator is about to collapse with how many people are in it.” They confessed. “There are days where you pray the elevator will just drop so that you might get to class on time.”

Because there are only 4 elevators available for residents, tensions quickly rise as to who needs them over others.

“If you use mobility aids, of course you’re going to need the elevator. Nobody’s arguing against that,” the anonymous interviewee explained. “But when you live on, like, the 10th floor and suddenly ten people cram in just to get down a single floor, it’s like… man, at least a couple of you could’ve taken the stairs.”

Abby Diaz, another freshman and honors student living on the 11th floor, spoke of her personal experience during the fatal ride. “It started out innocently enough. We all got in on the 1st floor, but the elevator will also always stop on the 2nd and 3rd floor too.”

According to Diaz, the elevator continued to stop at every floor, to the amusement, frustration, and building horror of all still inside. “We started to establish our own… community, as we went up. There were people who started taking charge of trying to shut the elevator door, but then there was always another person running to catch it just in the nick of time.”

The original members of the elevator such as Diaz and Boddie were among the most respected, but airflow in the enclosed space was limited. “We started having a couple runners fill bottles for the dehydrated around the 6th or 7th floor,” she shrugged. “We weren’t saving any time regardless. People kept coming in.”

The supplies were appreciated, but as fate would have it, came too little and too late. The elevator was taken out of commission once Boddie collapsed, and the emergency services were called. Calls to put the elevator back in service were eventually answered within the day, and the delicate dance has recommenced, although with a bit more gravity added to each trip.

“I don’t think I’ll take any quick trip for granted, now.” Diaz said. “There are some days where I wonder if it’s just worth it. I’ve even started taking the stairs from time to time.”

Lessons have been learned from Boddie’s tragedy, but as Catlett continues to operate as usual, we must ask if it all was for better or for worse.