Lily Meline

Dear Doily: Should I Fuck That Old Man?

Dear Doily, Okay, soooo…. I have this problem, and I figured y’all could help me??? I read your stuff a lot, and from what I can tell...

To The Joker, Wilder is Just Normal-er

With Parents’ Week fast approaching, several notable parents have started popping up around Iowa City. Among such parents is Iowa City’s...

We Put One of Our Writers in a Room with Black Mold to Watch Them Become Transphobic

So, what a summer, huh? I was too busy bratting it up to watch the Olympics, but apparently it was quite a controversial event, and not...

Freshman English Major Forced to Take Exclusively Accounting Classes Due to Availability

For any upperclassmen or disabled people reading this, class registration will likely feel like it was completed ages ago. Within the...

Studio 13 Relocates to Screening of Love Lies Bleeding Due to Construction

(Disclaimer: This was written a month and a half ago, to which it was promptly shelved because the upper echelons of the DA are silencing...

Herkalicious Definition Make Them Hawks Go Locooooooooo

Wanting to be known for more than just his killer swagger and pretty face, Herky has decided to put his own stamp on the music industry....

CAMBUS Driver Quits After One Too Many Bitches Cross in Front of the Bus

A lot of people don’t know this, but when Moses wrote the Ten Commandments on those stone plates, his first draft included an eleventh...

Due to Iowa’s ADHD Medication Shortage, I’ll Be Boycotting Paying Attention

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that kids these days are mentally unwell. Whether you want to blame Covid, TikTok, or...

Doily Allergen Hires Writer with Pronouns; YAF Pulls Funding

Well, it finally happened. After a long, harrowing week of the Doily Allergen working under YAF’s supervision, we’ve managed to escape...

Academy CEO’s Childhood Bully was Named Greta… Now All Gretas Shall Pay

"Because of my beautiful mind, she insisted on putting me through a titanic amount of abuse."

There’s No “I” in “MLK Day,” But There Should Be, Because Then It Could Be “MILK Day”

Then, instead of having a boring day of reverence for an important historical figure, we’ll have ourselves a good, old-fashioned MILK Day!!!

Don’t Worry! The Suspicious Packages at Burge are Just My Extra Large Buttplugs

Hey, guys… I have something unfortunate to admit. You know those suspicious packages that were found at Burge a little while ago? The...

The Case for Capitalism? I Thought You Said the Case for Fatboy Slim!

Aw jeez, man, this is so embarrassing! See, when my boss was yelling at me over the phone about the subject of my next journalistic...

SSSniperWolf Posts Apology for Actions on Burge Dining Screen

SSSniperWolf, a YouTuber known for her highly insightful and heartfelt commentaries of popular TikToks, has fallen into some hot water...

Gay Person Shocked When Straight Person Recognizes Their Costume as Meryl Streep in Kramer vs Kramer

Halloweekend has recently passed, but if you’re a Halloween purist, then you know that the real fun goes down on the actual big day,...

Hawkeye Marching Band Pays Tribute to The Living Tombstone

Mister Rogers, Bob Ross, Bella Thorne, and The Living Tombstone. What do all of these historical figures have in common? The answer is...

Iowa YAF Transitions into Iowa YASSS, Queen

Iowa’s Young Artichoke Fuckers––or as they’re colloquially known, Iowa YAF––have come under fire recently for actions that students...

“Werner Herzog Resigns as Film Director After Watching My BTS Fan-Cam”

Werner Herzog, the highly-acclaimed director of the best documentaries of the modern age and a mediocre Nosferatu remake, is coming to...

Student Gets Hit by Iowa City Transit Bus, Only Gets 35% of Tuition Paid

I’m sure the vast majority of University of Iowa students have heard the old myth about how if you’re hit and/or run over by the Cambus,...

Paranormal Investigator Surprised to Learn English-Philosophy Building Isn’t Haunted

Everything always seems more haunted in autumn, doesn’t it? With Halloween on the horizon, a chill in the breeze, and an early nighttime...