Byron Ellington | The Doily Allergen

Former Tippie Student Passes Away

RIP Mr. Business major :(((

Idiot Tree Still Thinks It’s Summer

BREAKING: This idiot tree apparently still thinks it’s summer. Look at all that green! Don’t you have some leaves to lose? Spoiler alert:...

Hundreds of Local Four-Eyes Face Homelessness Due to Police Raids, Rising Prescription Costs

Since the election of Donald Trump as the 47th President of the United States, Iowa has been cracking down on four-eyes across the state...

Dear Doily: How Is It January Already?

Dear Doily, I think we can all agree that this semester has gone by uncannily fast. It feels like just last week we were throwing out our...

Sorry, Folks: We Ran Out of News

There’s Just Nothing Going On Today Hey, everyone. We’d love to share some interesting news with you today, but unfortunately there isn’t...

Herky’s Horrible Halloween: Beloved Mascot Found Dead After Frat Party

Police Suspect Miss Scarlett in the Conservatory with the Dagger This morning, the deceased body of Herky the Hawk was discovered in the...

Motorist Dies Following Bicycle Crash

This morning at 10:27 CDT, Iowa City motorist Thomass Clack collided with a bicycle while making a left turn at the intersection of...

Local Four-Eyes Chains Self to Old Capitol

But, like, why? Tensions between four-eyes and normal people have risen to a new high in Iowa City as a local four-eyes has chained...

HAWK ALERT: H'what in Tarnation Is a Midterm?

These darn tootin’ tests have done got me confounded… we ain’t even halfway through the darn semester, dagnabbit!

BREAKING: Old Man Has White Hair and Pronouns

WASHINGTON, D.C.— According to shocking whistleblower reports, woke liberals have infiltrated our highest stations of government. As new...

Local Four-Eyes Breaks Glasses to Build Reputation

The greatest interethnic conflict in American history continues to rise to new heights, as more and more four-eyes seek new ways to cope...

I Didn’t Watch the Debate. Here’s What You Need to Know.

Last week, the first presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump rocked the nation....

My Therapist Told Me to Be Less Funny, So I Joined The Doily Allergen

Hey, everyone. My name’s Carl, aka Rizz-Man to my friends, which I have, and I’m a new writer here at The Dilly Elephant . Sorry, what is...

All Work, No Play: Billions to Go Into Labor, Never Give Birth

Expect gentrification this Labor Day NEW YORK – The United Nations headquarters has been sent into a panic, for an American holiday has...

Doily Allergen Tired of Nature, Returns to Smog

… … … Uh… hi. I know last time we spoke I was all, “We’re going back to our natural habitats, never to be seen in Iowa City again,” but,...

Finally Going Home: The Doily Allergen Permanently Returns to Nature

Ah, the summer: it descends upon us, as always, like a vulture to the leftovers. Finals season is coming to a close, and thousands upon...

Dear Doily: What’s the Deal with Gum Control?

Dear Doily, What’s the deal with gum control? It’s one of those hot-button issues that’s consumed our news cycles for years at this...

Mayflower Roman Ruins De-Excavated

Back in September, we announced that the demolition of Mayflower Residence Hall, which the University of Iowa had intended to sell by the...

College Kids Can’t Get Enough of This Hot New Trend: Shattering the Fucking Windows

America, we need to talk. Our kids are out of control. Our teens are vaping in the classroom. Our babies are addicted to iPads. And our...

Ten Minute Play Festival Snubbed at Emmys

The Emmy Nominations completely snubbed the UI Ten Minute Play Festival!!!