Dear Doily: How Is It January Already?
Dear Doily, I think we can all agree that this semester has gone by uncannily fast. It feels like just last week we were throwing out our...
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Byron López Ellington
Sorry, Folks: We Ran Out of News
There’s Just Nothing Going On Today Hey, everyone. We’d love to share some interesting news with you today, but unfortunately there isn’t...
Herky’s Horrible Halloween: Beloved Mascot Found Dead After Frat Party
Police Suspect Miss Scarlett in the Conservatory with the Dagger This morning, the deceased body of Herky the Hawk was discovered in the...
Motorist Dies Following Bicycle Crash
This morning at 10:27 CDT, Iowa City motorist Thomass Clack collided with a bicycle while making a left turn at the intersection of...
Local Four-Eyes Chains Self to Old Capitol
But, like, why? Tensions between four-eyes and normal people have risen to a new high in Iowa City as a local four-eyes has chained...
HAWK ALERT: H'what in Tarnation Is a Midterm?
These darn tootin’ tests have done got me confounded… we ain’t even halfway through the darn semester, dagnabbit!
BREAKING: Old Man Has White Hair and Pronouns
WASHINGTON, D.C.— According to shocking whistleblower reports, woke liberals have infiltrated our highest stations of government. As new...
Local Four-Eyes Breaks Glasses to Build Reputation
The greatest interethnic conflict in American history continues to rise to new heights, as more and more four-eyes seek new ways to cope...
I Didn’t Watch the Debate. Here’s What You Need to Know.
Last week, the first presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump rocked the nation....
My Therapist Told Me to Be Less Funny, So I Joined The Doily Allergen
Hey, everyone. My name’s Carl, aka Rizz-Man to my friends, which I have, and I’m a new writer here at The Dilly Elephant . Sorry, what is...
All Work, No Play: Billions to Go Into Labor, Never Give Birth
Expect gentrification this Labor Day NEW YORK – The United Nations headquarters has been sent into a panic, for an American holiday has...
Doily Allergen Tired of Nature, Returns to Smog
… … … Uh… hi. I know last time we spoke I was all, “We’re going back to our natural habitats, never to be seen in Iowa City again,” but,...
Finally Going Home: The Doily Allergen Permanently Returns to Nature
Ah, the summer: it descends upon us, as always, like a vulture to the leftovers. Finals season is coming to a close, and thousands upon...
Dear Doily: What’s the Deal with Gum Control?
Dear Doily, What’s the deal with gum control? It’s one of those hot-button issues that’s consumed our news cycles for years at this...
Mayflower Roman Ruins De-Excavated
Back in September, we announced that the demolition of Mayflower Residence Hall, which the University of Iowa had intended to sell by the...
College Kids Can’t Get Enough of This Hot New Trend: Shattering the Fucking Windows
America, we need to talk. Our kids are out of control. Our teens are vaping in the classroom. Our babies are addicted to iPads. And our...
Ten Minute Play Festival Snubbed at Emmys
The Emmy Nominations completely snubbed the UI Ten Minute Play Festival!!!
Exchange Student Still Dressed for Summer
I’m sure we’re all grateful for how much Iowa City has been warming up since the first week of the semester, but don’t forget, it’s still...
Opinion: Snow
You’ve all heard about it. It’s everywhere in the news lately. In fact, I’d go so far as to call it one of America’s most polarizing...
The Doily Allergen Is Brought to You by Sauce: The Original Liquid™
Hey everybody, treasurer of the Doily Allergen here (no, seriously, this article was written by our treasurer). Lately, our veritably...
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